Wednesday 4th September, 2013 (Day 24)
Now this is going to be a long one……
I’ve had some really rough last couple of days. Although I started so strong on Monday and had the attitude of “life sometimes sucks but the right decisions can get you through”, I have fallen into a bit of a heap.
Right now at this present moment in time my nutrition and training is likened to me running as fast as I can downhill. I am running and taking huge leaps and bounding towards my goals then the speed wobbles trip me up for a bit of a face plant and I roll around for a spell then get back up and start running again.
Exhibit A =
LOL……. Ok a little extreme but you get my drift.
I keep fluctuating in weight back to my start weight because I cannot keep my consistency up. I have no idea why. I’ve nailed self control and weight loss/fitness development so well in the past but since I competed in May I am truly a different person. Instead of relishing challenges in the gym I find simply turning up a challenge and it’s a chore now because “I have to” instead of “I want to”. I truly feel I’ve burned all my motivation and enthusiasm for training to a crisp. As for food I am turning to it for answers to my change in persona and, surprisingly enough, it’s hindering and not helping…….. how about that….
How amusing it is that people sometimes turn to me for answers and I put so much time and effort into helping them on their journey or at least pointing them in the right direction and I simply cannot do it for myself at the moment. My internal dialect is exactly as I would talk to someone else, encouraging, understanding, logical, empowering, but talk about falling on my own deaf internal ears. I actually hear myself saying to my “motivator voice”, “I know, I know already, give it a rest”.
And what worries me. I actually don’t know how to fix this. I adore Michelle’s advice but this time, what is good for 1,000 other people and is sound and incredible advice is not helping me get out of this hole. My advice to someone else would most likely be, “you simply may not be ready to start something like this, do something you love first then transition over in time, take it easy on yourself”. But all I want though is to reach my goals so I don’t want to “take it easy”. Why isn’t my mental drive coming along for the ride this time?
I’m even struggling with social media at the moment and am pulling away from it (this will be it’s own blog in time) as the perky, happy, hawt motivation posters are annoying the hell out of me. I keep saying to these poster girls “yeah I know, but champ I also know what it takes to look like you do right now and it sucks”. I’m even struggling with others success at the moment. I still relish in it and am still so very excited for everyone to succeed, but now, although I’m still so very happy to see everyone achieve their own goals, I seem to have a side of self deprecating talk each time I see it now too. Why can’t I get my self together and do it too, why am I failing, why can’t I put down the fork, why can’t I find my control ?? I know I can achieve amazing feats and I tell myself such, but far out why is it so difficult this time and such a ridiculous ride ??
So what is next for this journey ??? Dogged determination to get back up from the downhill face plant and continue on……. I will find my inner fit and fab self again !!!!